Never say never

Before I was a parent there were a lot of things I thought I would never do.

Lows I would never sink to.

New levels of ridiculousness and grossness I couldn't imagine.

Things I pitied other parents for and silently judged them for...

Now I realize that there are no lows I can't sink to and no limits to the things that I now do, that I could never have imagined. I take back all my aforementioned judgement- sorry parents everywhere.

Having a child is all about teaching you that you should never say never.

Oh the indignities of being a parent.

And when I say parent, I'm talking about being a parent to both the puppy and the baby.


So, here are my new favorite "you know you are a parent when" moments (spoiler alert- nearly all of them involve bodily fluids).

1. You have woken up in the middle of the night in a puddle of a bodily fluid (chose one- breast milk, baby pee, dog/cat throw up etc.) and are so exhausted that instead of stripping the bed you put a towel down to cover said fluid just to get a few more hours of sleep before you have the energy to strip and remake the bed. This, I realize, is the lowest of the low- and to be clear, I do draw the line at puppy throw up.  I actually stripped the bed when that happened- but then just laid a blanket down on the (somewhat damp) matress and went back to sleep.

2. Speaking of bodily have caught them in your bare hands. Or in the case of a puppy who ingested an entire rope toy and then couldn't pass the rope out the other end- you have helped extricate said fluids (or solids as the case may be). This happened not once but twice (then we stopped buying rope toys). This is the highest level of gross I may have ever encountered, but it was also a very unique parenting moment that needed to be before I pulled out the rope, I snapped a pic which I promptly texted to Chris- which brings me to my next point...

3. Your text messages become the opposite of sexy- they get down right gross.  I can't even tell you how many times Chris and I have exchanged photos of poop (not our own).  My personal favorite (beside the poop-rope incident) is when Chris texted me a photo of the time when Hunter pooped in the tub along with the message- "Holy crap. I have no idea how to clean this up.  Come home soon."

4. You have went out in public with baby pee/spit up/snot on your clothes. There are days when I am running out the door (quite literally) and go to kiss Hunter goodbye only to find that he has a very full diaper, which happens to leak all over me while I squeeze him tight. I asses the amount of pee-trasnfer and make a snap judgement if I really need to change or not (it will dry....right?). In general, if it's not that much, I walk out the door, wearing my new "perfume" and hope it dries quickly.

5. You use baby wipes to clean everything. The idea of getting a real rag and some cleaner seems daunting, but I have a package of baby wipes within 15 feet of me at all times, so if I see a dirty counter, shmutz on the carpet, dusty dashboard, etc. they are what I reach for. They are surprisingly good at cleaning up messes- yes, including bodily fluids.

6. You talk to your spouse/friends/family in parent-eese.  Yes, I have mistakenly called Chris "Doodle Bug" and asked him if he needed to go "potty" before we left. I have no idea when I began to feel the need to ask him if he's used the restroom before we leave the house. Ugh.

7. Speaking of the restroom...your body (and your bodily functions) are no longer your own or private. I don't think I've used the restroom or showered alone in almost 2 years.  I remember when I finally perfected the art of peeing while holding a sleeping baby- I was giving myself high fives all over the place.  You would think you could just put the baby down...but you would be wrong- you obviously have never had a baby who sucks at sleeping.  The possibility of waking a sleeping baby just to have your hands free to wipe is not worth the risk. Now that Hunter is much bigger, he simply lets himself into the bathroom and talks you through what's happening- "mom-mom, pee-pee, bye-bye pee-pee."  Nothing like a potty play-by-play.  Chris got an extra special treat last week when Hunter burst into the bathroom mid-pee and decided he wanted to try to catch pee in his hands. That was gross, and funny- and luckily he great with the hand-eye coordination yet.

8. Your car is gross.  No seriously, gross.  When did I let it get to this?  I have dried cranberries in my belt buckles, strands of wavy golden retreiver hair on EVERY SURFACE of my car and when I offer to drive co-workers anywhere, I have to give the disclaimer that I haven't detailed my car in "a while" (read- EVER). Black pants are pretty much out of the question for me, because even if I can escape the house without Ketch wanting to rub his face on my clean pants, I'll never make it a full car trip without collecting a wad of puppy hair all over my butt and then walk into work unaware of my latest wardrobe addition.

9.  You become obsessed with whatever your kid/pet is obsessed with.  Ketch LOVES dog parks and pretty much every other dog on the plant, so I obsessively keep track of dog parks and casually ask for numbers at the dog park of puppy pals for Ketch so we can plan to meet up again and exhaust our pups. I've considered getting some puppy business cards to hand out- not that I'm desperate or anything, but my dog LOVES to play and me throwing the tennis ball is just not cutting it. Outside of my compulsive tracking of dog friends, I'm constantly on the lookout for tractors (not for Ketch).  Hutner's enthusiasm for all things construction related has not waned.  So now, I'll be on the freeway an see an awesome excavator on the side of the road and think to myself that I should remember this so I can drive Hunter by this exact spot over the weekend.  Heck, Chris and I text the nanny with new locations of construction sites on Queen Anne so she can take the boys for a walk to see them.

10. You are late EVERYWHERE you go.  This one is particularly hard for me to get on board with.  I'm very punctual in real life....or should I say- WAS very punctual.  Before I had Hunter I actually complained about my mommy friends never arriving on time to our meet ups. I never understood why they couldn't just plan ahead and get there one time.  I'M SO SORRY I JUDGED YOU.  Now, I consider anything within a 15 minute window of the set time to be on time.  If I'm later than 30 minutes, then you can give me a hard time, unless of course I'm covered in bodily fluids- which is usually why I'm late.

Generally planning to leave the house for a good chunk of time goes like this (in my head): while Hunter naps I pack his bag full of our usual going out items (diapers, wipes, snacks, toys, books, change of clothes, tylenol, benedryl, epi-pens, more snacks, yogurt incase he gets really hungry, spoon, extra spoon, bib, pacifier, water cup, milk, sunscreen, plastic bag for possible diaper or clothing emergencies and whatever toy he is currently obsessed with).  Then I get myself ready while he is still sleeping, anticipating that when he wakes up, I can feed him, change him and whisk him out the door in 20 minutes flat.

In reality it goes something like this: while Hunter is napping, I gather his bag full of items- half of which are locked inside his room with him, so I make a list on the counter of what to grab when he gets up.  Then, I think about getting myself ready, but get side tracked by Ketchum who hasn't yet been fed lunch (oops) and I realize while he is eating that I forgot to give him he ear drops (for a few days) and his black ear wax is back so I take time to clean his ears (which he hates with an intense passion).  This takes me nearly 30 minutes to clean ONE ear because he runs and hides from me and no amount of treats is going to convince him to let me near him.  Now I'm sweaty and I realize I forgot to eat lunch too.  Luckily I have english muffins and peanut butter on hand and scarf that down while I throw on a load of laundry.  Then, as I head upstairs to de-sweatify myself and find clothing that fits (no small feat at 8 months preggo), I hear Hunter has woken early from his nap (great).  I go in to find that he has peed through his diaper onto his clothes (which I had planned on having him wear), so I strip him and the bed and head downstairs to feed him lunch.  Hunter decides that he would much rather have bacon and hashbrowns for lunch than what I had planned for him, and since I really don't have the time to deal with coaxing a 2 year old to bend to my whim, I start to cook some bacon (which is like watching water boil).  In the mean time, I try to get dressed, but Hunter wants to help me, which leads him to also want to do his hair and makeup.  So, after he has applied his blush and used Daddy's hair gel, he's satisfied with his appearance and I only look half passible.  Yep, you guessed it, I forgot about the bacon.  I rush down to find a few pieces that aren't black and then proceed to cool them down in the freezer so Hunter can eat them fast. A quick check of the clock alerts me that I have 4 minutes to feed him and get him in the car in order to be on time.  Clearly, that isn't going to happen, but I will be within my 15 minute window, so I plow forward and get him set up with his breakfast for lunch.  After I rush him through his "meat-meats" I get him upstairs to get dressed and grab the items I need for his bag.  Shoes are optional at this point and I decide to toss them in his bag and put them on him later.  I get him strapped in the carseat and throw his bag in the car when he announces "poop-poop." This is a parent's nemesis.  Yes, I could let him simply sit in it for the 10 minutes it will take us to drive to our destination, but I'm going to have to change it there and who knows what the changing room situation will be, and letting him sit in it seems a bit like cruel and unusual punishment.  So we unstrap and head inside to change his pants.

And that is why I am late EVERYWHERE I go. I apologize to everyone in advance.

I know I'm missing a million baby and puppy parent moments that define my life, but these were the ones that came to mind right away.  Please tell me that you can relate, or perhaps you have even better moments- do tell!