Mom life: The law of poop

There is nothing more fun than sharing in the joy of a new pregnancy.

Here go the rumors.... I'm NOT pregnant, but I have friends who are.

Seriously though, I'm not. This isn't one of those times where I say I'm talking about my friends, but I am really talking about me.

This is about them.

The excitement of sharing in someone else's new-baby-joy is infectious (perhaps contagious). 

So contagious that it made me scour my photos from my pregnancy with Carter and I found my favorite one of little Hunter sleeping "on" his brother.

I'm so excited to meet all the new babies, but even more, I'm excited for my friends to join the mom club, hop aboard the toddler + baby train or stare with me in awe at the I'm-outnumbered-by-my-kids contingent.

The second a friend gets knocked up, it knocks down any barriers that ever existed. I'm not a barriers kind of person, but I generally don't chat casually with my friends about their over-active bodily functions- but now I can!

Once a friend is pregnant it is totally acceptable to chat about why your body is suddenly covered in hair, if and when the sweating will stop and any and all other indignities that go hand in hand with our werewolf-like transition from woman to mom. 

I prefer to take the no holds barred, truth-with-a-side-of-humor approach, because why sugar coat it?  Give it to me straight- so we can both laugh about it. Because if pregnancy is nothing else, it's damn funny (mostly in retrospect).

So, I've decided my job with my newly inducted club members, is to share some tidbits of mom life (whether they want it or not).

These nuggets of mom life consist of some pro tips (which is just unsolicited advice shrouded with an air of self-important wisdom), self deprecating humor, you-can't make this stuff up stories, truth bombs and little tidbits (which I have renamed titbits in an ongoing dialogue about the wonders of breastfeeding).  

Since my personal friends, shouldn't be the only ones enjoying these titbits, I thought I'd share them here as well.

You're welcome in advance.

What I RE-learned this week is that under no circumstances, should you EVER let your baby or toddler in your bed without first laying down a towel.

Why, you (non-parents), ask?

Because, the law of poop ALWAYS comes into play.

The law of poop is much like Murphy's law.  If a child can poop, it will poop, at the worst time and in the worst place.

The uninitiated person may say "What about diapers- why are your children not wearing diapers in your bed?!?! You are brining this on yourself!"

Oh they have diapers on, but diapers can't control the law of poop.

Trust me.  They are no match for a blowout (liquid poop explosion), and neither are your sheets.

Carter had an epic blow out in our bed while sleeping quietly between us in the wee hours of the morning last week.

You may ask..."Why was he in your bed, why wasn't he in his crib that has the mattress that is wipeable??"

Because he woke up at 2am screaming in pain from a tooth that is mercilessly trying to carve its way through his soft pink gums and all he wanted to do was nurse himself back to sleep...and all I wanted to do was stay sleeping, but gosh he is persistent with the crying!  So I snagged him out of his room, laid him down next to me, gave him a boob and we all went happily back to bed.

That is, until I heard the audible blowout noises waking me from my blissful 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep, and I realized it was already too late.  The warm yellow explosion was already leaking its way through his jammies, through my sheets and settling itself in my mattress.

Now I have the words "how to remove liquid poop from tempurpedic mattress" forever logged in my Google search history.

So, my unsolicited advice to the new moms out there...think of a towel as a sleeping mat for your baby. If you bring them in your bed, make sure they are on their mat. Or pay the price.

And in other news, I'm in the market for a new mattress.